Keeping my boundaries in the shadow of the masculine

In truth, I have spent most of my life without having many boundaries, or in fact knowing what boundaries are or that it was ok to have any.  In exploring how I keep my boundaries in the face of the shadow of the masculine, I am learning as I go.

Most of my life, I have given my power away, especially to men.  Being molested from an early age by boys who I looked up to and loved dearly, I  thought that love meant letting men do what they wanted with me regardless of how I felt.  I learned to please and put up with men and that I was to be there to heal their wounds, hurts and aggression by letting them unleash it all on me.  I learned to shut down from an early age, my voice, my power, my pleasure, me desires and my boundaries.  I grew up with a loving and playful but also angry, short tempered, controlling father.  In retrospect, he probably lived mostly in the shadow of the masculine a lot of the time.  While I have come to see the positive aspects of the masculine as the penetrating direct, focused force of purpose, strength, and action, I also see in it's healthy aspect that is soft and allowing, capable of holding the feminine within himself and others. The shadow of the masculine therefore is the controlling, unyielding, rigid, angry force that leaves no room for imperfection.  It can be the passive aggressive, sharp side that can be hurtful or abusive in it's most unskillful form.  My general way of dealing with the shadow of the masculine in the past has been to crumble, shut down, become rigid myself and to run away from the conflict and all that gets triggered within me at all cost, doing both myself and the males in my life a great disservice.  

For me now, standing up to the shadow of the masculine is still scary business.   I still feel the fear but I
refuse to close down, refuse to let my heart form any more hardened layers.  Mostly this means a lot of tears and self love through everything that comes up but currently, it also means, standing my ground, having my voice and speaking my truth even when my voice is shaky.  It means to recognize that my feelings matter, my desires matter, my voice deserves to be heard.  I can do this all in love, without attacking, blaming, shaming or feeling guilt. I can take responsibility for my own words and actions and I can move forward, learn and grow.   I no longer worry about the things I cannot control and only take responsibility for me.  If  I am met back with the shadow side,  I can love them and let them go, with a heart that stays open.  The greatest gift the masculine can give the feminine is a safe place to be and express herself, the greatest gift she can give back, is to not close down.  Dealing with the shadow is no easy task but one we must undertake if we are to understand ourselves and each other and come more fully into our wholeness.