Pushing the pause button

Here is my answer to your questions daddy.

1.  Why do I want a D/s relationship such as ours?  Because it is a strong desire embedded deep within my being me to fully submit myself to a man, to surrender all of myself and play within the container of trust and love we have created to explore all the intensity, all the passion all the charge of power exchange at it's finest.  I want it because I crave with all of myself to be on my knees in service to someone who I have given myself over to.  I want it because I love to see how my Dom gets to fulfil his own desires through power exchange and how my service and devotion and love for him satisfies his similar needs.  I love the primal raw energy that is born of the sexual exchange, how it fills him, allows him to act on his hungers and desires in a safe and consensual way.  I love how he gets to play with the energy of control and domination through my submission.  My submission is a true and beautiful gift to give as is the love and care of my Dominant.

2.  What is it about a D/s relationship that I need in my life?  The gift that D/s gives me is a consensual, agreed upon space and place to let go, to be lead, and to co-create in a dynamic that cannot be met or played out in any other place in my life.  I need the strength of the masculine arms around me and I need to know that someone in this world has my back, completely without question.   I need the deep sensual, sexual charge that comes through power exchange and play in BDSM and I need a place where my service is desired, accepted, expected and respected.  I am in charge of so many other places in my life as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, caretaker, business owner etc... I need the D/s relationship to allow myself to be someone else for a change. I need it to do what I do best, love, serve and give myself over to someone.   I need it because I am a dirty little slut girl that needs to be fucked,  taken and used.  I need a D/s relationship to have some of my sexual needs, kinks and desires satisfied.  I want nothing more than to be on my knees at the foot of my Dom, waiting for his command. Whether it is to suck his cock or someone else's, to spread my legs for him to have his way with me or to sit in silence in some space, witnessed by others, until he tells me what he wants me to do.  I desire to be slapped across the face, to be flogged and bound and cum on. To be forced to take his cock deep in my throat.   I desire to be fucked deep and hard and in so many ways.  I desire to be the object of his desire for him to lose himself with me.  I desire to share my menstrual blood with him, I desire to have deep passionate kisses with him until my cunt is dripping down my leg.  I desire to offer my body to him for his kinks to be satisfied. I desire to always expand and grow in my sexual erotic life with him.

3.  Why do I want a D/s relationship with you?  Because when we first met we were instantly attracted to each other, because you have so much to share as a teacher and guide.  (See number 8).   Being you sub is a perfect place for you to share and teach me what you know, to sculpt me into being a better person, into truly surrendering and to loving well myself and others and because you are so very good at being my Daddy.  Because you are tough and make me think.  I want it with you because we seem to have great polarity, with your intense masculine and my deep feminine, and both our desires to be a switch,  it makes for a great sexual charge and place of growth and learning for us both.   I have not found a really great sexual dynamic such as this with very many other men.  I am very picky and I am looking for something more specific and more complete which I believe you are capable of.  Because I love you and I feel like I have something to give you in terms of my submission that benefits you in your life as well.  I see how I can teach you about how to love well,  how to surrender and receive and how I can also be a place where you can have some of your desires, kinks and needs met too.   I want to be in a D/s relationship with you because you are a devoted and spiritual person and you are working for the greater good of love and Eros which is something that I am aware of and interested in and do not have any other man in my life who operates in this way so it is appealing to me because I consider myself to be a deeply spiritual person working in service of lovelove and unity.  I resonate with the way you attempt to live your life.  You are consistently trying to better your self in every way, speaking the truth, trying to love well and sharing your gifts with the world.  You value good health, fun, depth in relationship, clear communication,  partnership, community building and keeping the erotic alive in your life and these are some of the things I value as well.  I feel we are a good match.

4.  What qualities do you bring that make me want to be in a relationship with you?  You bring me a fuck load of strength, a deep intense masculinity that I love and crave, devotion, commitment, understanding, knowledge, patience, and an embodied sexuality.  You are also tricky and strict and don't let me get away with shit.  You push me always towards growth.  I respect and love that about you.

5.  Why I have not found a D/s relationship with someone where I live?  Because after I met you I stopped looking.   You seemed to have everything I was looking for and thought we could make it work somehow even this far apart.  Because we grew so close so quickly and I began to open my heart to you.   I only have met one other man here who I would consider being submissive to but he would not be my "dom" per se, it would be more for play space.  Although I wish we lived closer, if we lived too close it might bring me out of balance with the rest of my responsibilities because I don't think I could be a 24/7 sub and live the rest of my life as a mother and wife and work full time etc...so the distance is ok in some ways as long as we could see each other enough.  For me seeing you 4 times a year would be perfect.  Something we both could look forward to with regularity and a way that I could pay you back more often with my presence, physical touch and love.  Right now we do not have that and so the distance is a challenge.  

6.  Why do I not seek the D/s relationship with my husband?  Because after 20 years of being married, I feel we have fairly ingrained in our roles, responsibilities and dynamic with each other which is fine.   We have our own unique charge and exchange and dynamic that fills other needs and desires which I love but I do not find we possess the kind of dynamic or charge that I am looking for in terms of domination, control and BDSM so it is why I choose to seek it elsewhere.  Also because I can. I want to experience as much of life and others in all the wonderful ways and varieties I can while I am still young and healthy and vibrant.  Because I am in a non monogamous situation at the moment  I am fortunate to be able to do this.  I am adventurous and want to take advantage of as many experiences in life as possible.

7.  Why do I find that my partner cannot fulfill this role?  For one, I don't think my husband wants to be my "Dom." That is my thing, not his.   I don't think I could fully surrender myself to the degree that I am looking for because in our relationship and life I am and have to be quite masculine, yang and in charge of a lot.   We have a great rough and tumble, yummy sexual life, where he is mostly topping and manhandling me and I love that but in D/s, I want that and a whole lot more of the guidance in the rest of my life that best come from another man.   My husband is also completely supportive of me getting my needs such as this met elsewhere and I am blessed to have him in my life be as understanding and open as he is.

8.  What have I learned in the past three years being your dirty little girl?  You have taught me so much already about how to be in my power, have a voice, speak my truth with clarity and compassion.   You have reminded me of the importance and sacredness of connecting to my menstrual blood, reconnected me to my deep feminine nature.  You have taught me how to honour and respect the needs of important men in my life and how to help them feel heard.  You have helped me become a better lover to myself and to listen to my cunt and feed my erotic life.  You have taught me how to move forward with the truth of who I am as a kinky person in this world without shame and speak about being a submissive publicly with pride.  You have taught me how to be patient, how to honour all the steps needed along the way in the process of relating to you.   You have taught me the importance of setting intentions, boundaries and agreements and how to continual re evaluate everything so that I/we don't become complacent in our relationship.  All that you have taught me has helped me grow so much already in my relationship with you and in my life as a whole. You have taught me to remember that I am beautiful, that there is nothing wrong with me and that people love me.  You have taught me how to receive and hold space for all your own kinks and pleasures.  You have taught me how to endure bondage and move through the pleasures and pains of your administrations to my body.   I am sure there is more but right now these are all the things that have come to mind.   You have taught and shared so much with me and I am full of gratitude for your guidance.

Being sent to my room

Daddy sent me to my room, I slammed the door.  I crossed my arms and tightened in anger, heat rising in my face.  Daddy is pushing me again.  He is demanding that I be well, demanding.  He is asking me to ask for what I want and desire, to push against him much more than I do and not settle for less than what I want.  I hate this.  I love this, but I mostly hate this.  This is not what a submissive does, is it?  Do they whine and complain when they don't get their way, do they persist and persist until daddy is finally so tired and worn he gives in?  I am being asked to step into a role of being a little girl who won't take no for an answer and the question is, what is it that I want?  You asked, so here it is daddy.

1.  You are going to fuck me when you see me and not give me any excuses about how you are not wanting to be sexual right now or it feels uneven because I am in a committed relationship and you aren't right now or that this time I am there just to serve you in whatever ways you wish or that you don't want to do any of the fucking or penetrating but only want to receive and be penetrated.  What I want is to serve you, please you, fuck you and penetrate you to your depths but I want the same in return.  I want your lips, your passion, your cock and the give and take of our sexual energy exchange after I am done giving to you.

2.  I want you to give me more feedback or praise for all the things you ask me to write and do.  For all the assignments I complete, it is important for me to hear your feedback.  I need to know that you enjoy the things I do for you or that you don't or how I can do better.

3.  When I send you my panties in the mail, I want you to show your excitement.  I want you to get hard thinking about your dirty girl who sends package after package of her cum soaked panties for you to smell and savour.  I want you to rub my panties over your hard cock.  I want you to pleasure yourself when you smell them.  I want you to cum sometimes, thinking about all the things we will do together when we see each other next.  I want you to enjoy them and tell me that you did and tell me what you as well.

4.  I want you to continue to find ways to stay sexually engaged with me.  I know that can be a challenge given our distance and there may be a natural ebb and flow with it but help us find the ways to keep it active, don't leave it all up to me.

5.  I want you to give me a written report of what is like to be my daddy.  Document your experience to date of what it means to you, what it gives you or how it feeds you, what works or doesn't etc... No holding back, just write what is in your heart.  We can discuss whether this gets posted onto the blog or not but for now,  I would like your reflections about our relationship.

That is it for now daddy.  That is what I want. Tell me if this is something you can do for me.   Please, please, please daddy.  I want you to tell me now!

Your baby girl

Keeping my boundaries in the shadow of the masculine

In truth, I have spent most of my life without having many boundaries, or in fact knowing what boundaries are or that it was ok to have any.  In exploring how I keep my boundaries in the face of the shadow of the masculine, I am learning as I go.

Most of my life, I have given my power away, especially to men.  Being molested from an early age by boys who I looked up to and loved dearly, I  thought that love meant letting men do what they wanted with me regardless of how I felt.  I learned to please and put up with men and that I was to be there to heal their wounds, hurts and aggression by letting them unleash it all on me.  I learned to shut down from an early age, my voice, my power, my pleasure, me desires and my boundaries.  I grew up with a loving and playful but also angry, short tempered, controlling father.  In retrospect, he probably lived mostly in the shadow of the masculine a lot of the time.  While I have come to see the positive aspects of the masculine as the penetrating direct, focused force of purpose, strength, and action, I also see in it's healthy aspect that is soft and allowing, capable of holding the feminine within himself and others. The shadow of the masculine therefore is the controlling, unyielding, rigid, angry force that leaves no room for imperfection.  It can be the passive aggressive, sharp side that can be hurtful or abusive in it's most unskillful form.  My general way of dealing with the shadow of the masculine in the past has been to crumble, shut down, become rigid myself and to run away from the conflict and all that gets triggered within me at all cost, doing both myself and the males in my life a great disservice.  

For me now, standing up to the shadow of the masculine is still scary business.   I still feel the fear but I
refuse to close down, refuse to let my heart form any more hardened layers.  Mostly this means a lot of tears and self love through everything that comes up but currently, it also means, standing my ground, having my voice and speaking my truth even when my voice is shaky.  It means to recognize that my feelings matter, my desires matter, my voice deserves to be heard.  I can do this all in love, without attacking, blaming, shaming or feeling guilt. I can take responsibility for my own words and actions and I can move forward, learn and grow.   I no longer worry about the things I cannot control and only take responsibility for me.  If  I am met back with the shadow side,  I can love them and let them go, with a heart that stays open.  The greatest gift the masculine can give the feminine is a safe place to be and express herself, the greatest gift she can give back, is to not close down.  Dealing with the shadow is no easy task but one we must undertake if we are to understand ourselves and each other and come more fully into our wholeness.  

The hard stuff

I thought this blog was going to be a documentation of what it was like to be a submissive for the first time in my life and what I was learning and experiencing with Daddy.  I thought it would be filled with sexy shorts and erotic musings, filled with hot little snapshots of my life with him and his influence upon it.   So I was surprised when he suggested I write about my challenges with my brother.  My brother? What could this possibly have anything to do with D/s, with the erotic?  Well, all I can do is tell you my experience and then you can decide.  I have been struggling with my relationship with my brother for a long time.  I love my brother but things have gotten messy in my family as they often do,  and I, as per usual am the one who gets in the middle, stirring the pot so to speak, of course with the best of intentions but often with disastrous results.  This past summer we got into a heated fight, which for me is extremely rare in my life and things have not been the same between us since.  This has been years in the making but alas, the challenge between he and his wife and my parents is not my struggle but I can tell you, I feel it like its mine and their struggle and pain with each other over all these years has affected the family as a whole, that I am sure.  The life of being an empath, feeling everything as if it were your own, it a challenge a lot of the time.  But that is part of my trip in life so here I am feeling and dealing.  I feel, and I care so it can be hard for me to sit back and not try to "help."  I see now the error of my ways, as has been the case many times in the past.  Anyhow, I have recently tried to decide just what to do.  I want to have a relationship with my brother, I love him and always have but I am at a loss for how to go about doing it at this point.  From my perspective, he has never been able to take any responsibility for his actions and has essentially pushed us all very far away and he blames everyone else.  He is very hurt and he clearly, does not want to talk to me.  So what do I do when I am stuck and need advice?  I call Daddy.

In short, Daddy teaches me to love people and myself, fully.  He teaches me to really listen to people, fully and to acknowledge them and their feelings regardless of whether I agree or disagree or have a different point of view, which in this case I clearly do.  He teaches me to love others that I care about with an undefended heart which means letting someone have their say, their emotions and ALL their stuff, as long as it is not abusive to me, and to not only allow it,  but to be with it without trying to fix, do or add anything.  Ok, sure, I get it but...with my brother!  So that is the work at hand, to let go of the story, to let go of old patterns and just hear him and all his pain.  I, being at a total loss, of how to reach him, was willing to try it.  So that is where I sit.  Instead of trying to talk, trying to engage him in a conversation or an understanding of where I am coming from, of what I see, I just simply said, "I am sorry for hurting you."  He has not responded, he may never.  I don't know anymore if he really wants a relationship with me but this is where I am, sitting in the discomfort of not knowing,  of not trying to make it any certain way and of grieving the brother that I miss.  How that fits into the erotic life of a submissive learning how to surrender I can probably guess and I am sure I will find out over time.  If I had my guess, Daddy would say, "You are learning how to surrender to love and you are learning how to love well.  What else is there?"    

Another day in the life of

a dirty little girl

Eros in sex and death

For a time, in this past year of changes and challenges in my life,  I thought that maybe I had taken a departure from the erotic for a time.  My sex drive seemed lower and less important perhaps, as I navigated my way through the stresses and struggles of my life which were plenty, 2014 was a tough year it seems, on many levels.  Then at the end of the year,  I spent a period of time in the throws of dealing face to face with dying and transition of a woman that I was caring for.   A large part of my energy was given entirely to this process and I was deeply affected by my experience being with this beautiful woman throughout her entire process and the days that followed.  My thoughts then turned to the realtionship between sex and death, and I realized I had not taken a departure from the erotic at all, I was just flowing with the ride that Eros was taking me on, the ride through struggle, growth, loss, grief, death and the transformation of it all.

So how does Eros intersects with death and dying? With a grin, Eros is a trickster, perhaps like Death who sometimes smiles when we are not looking.   Eros, not always what we think it is, is the life force energy that is transformative in sex just as it is in birth and death, all seem to be moving always in the direction of each other somehow.   Life after all is what feeds death and death is what feeds life, one just has to look to nature to see it, the cycle is continuous, what is there to say?  In sex, as in death, when we can be open to the all that is true and alive for us in the moment, in our passion, our pleasure, our pain, our orgasm or lack there of, our confusion, our fear, in our most vulnerable places, in the unknown, unpredictable and great mystery of it all, we can then be open to the transformational gift of what each moment has to offer.

Eros doesn't always have to look sexy, unless you find death sexy, and some of us do.  I think back to all the times I lured my boyfriends to the cemetery that I lived next to, for sexual encounters and I have to laugh.  Eros can look like many things.  As one who considers herself an erotic explorer, an educator of sexuality,  I have felt at times, like I have to always be sexually "on,"  pushing the boundaries of sexploration if not in the flesh, at least in my mind, scheming up my next sexy plan or task or thing to experience or become "better" at.   I have now come to see it in a different light.  I never really took a departure from the erotic,  I have in fact, been doing some of the sexiest work of all.  The work of being present to every moment life, sex and death have to offer, with an open heart as a willing sacred witness to exactly what is, no turning away, in all its beauty, it's humanness, its messines, is erotic.  Become deaths lover, and you will find beauty where you least expected to see it.

Sex, Death and Transformation

In the last two months or so I have been fully immersed in another kind of learning, Eros has taken me on a different kind of ride.  I had the honoured privilege of caring for a woman throughout the last two months of her life, her death and the days that followed after she took her last breath.

I was asked to be a care giver to a beautiful 72 year old women with advanced cancer.  When I first met her, I felt like I had already known her, it seemed to me divine timing was at hand.  She was solidly under the belief she would heal and had ever right to think so as she had kept herself alive years past what was thought possible by her doctors.  She was a "medical miracle,"  as her daughter said.   Occasionally she did talk about the reality that dying could be a potential.  In any case, I set about to helping her with her daily needs, as at this point she required 24 Hr care.  Although she could still walk very short distances, it was with great difficulty, and she was in extreme pain most of the time.  I seem to have a gift for working with people in this capacity which I am now no longer denying to be true.  I became, as I so often have in the many years of my work with others, a devoted witness to her process.

I have long had an interest in the death and dying process and in palliative care since my early twenties when I first worked for hospice.   She gave me a great gift in allowing me into her life.  My job description as care giver quickly began expanding.  Along with her amazing daughter who I worked with closely during this whole process, we all learned together about how to manage her pain,  how to deal with her changing body as it began to give way, and how to keep it real throughout it all, honouring her and her desires at each step.  In our death phobic culture, we conveniently tuck death away inside hidden rooms,  hospitals, and funeral homes.   We forget the real face of death and in doing so we lose the valuable opportunity we have to learn about what dying is like?  What do the steps and stages look like?   How can we read the signs and in so doing be the best possible witness to their transition, if we are lucky enough to have the opportunity?  And what's more, how can we be willing to view death and dying in its entirety so we can learn for our own selves what we all must inevitably face.   Can we be willing, to not look away, to stay present the whole way through?  This was my task, to look death more squarely in the eyes and be with what I saw there.

We were doing it ourselves, her daughter, myself and a small group of her closest and most loving friends.  We were the hospice, the palliative care team and the funeral home.  The changes came quickly and I could see them happening all along the way.  With each change came a new decision of how we were going to deal with it, and I could sense her recognition or perhaps her surrendering to what was inevitably to come.   A few hours after she took her last breath, her daughter asked me to come and help wash, prepare, and dress her body.  It was perhaps one of the most holy and sacred tasks I have ever carried out and will never forget.  Her daughter and I performed this delicate and sacred ritual together, in total devotion, with the utmost love and tenderness, we did our best.  She was beautiful, still glowing from inside, somewhere, a place I could not truly name.  Afterwards we both had a unique and individual experience of seeing her smile, as if she could somehow embody, for a brief moment, her gratitude of being cleaned and cared for, which I knew was very important to her.  I felt tingles over my whole body as I heard her daughter describe and confirm what I had just seen with my own eyes but kept quiet, thinking it was just a figment of my imagination.

Within the next three days, people would come and go to pay their respects and to sit with her body.  She looked radiant, finally at peace, no more pain.  My job description then expanded once again as the date and time of her cremation were set.  I was asked to be the one to drive her body to the site, where family and friends could be involved in the ceremony of her cremation, an hour and a half away .  I drove her body with the light bearer as my passenger, a long time family friend who was keeper of the flame that had been kept alight for three days and with which the wood pile who be ignited from during the cremation.  Life has a funny way of working out sometimes.  How I came to be such a big part of this women and her daughters life I do not know but it was all perfect somehow.  The ceremony was beautiful, we sang songs and one by one formed a line, each one handing the other a log until her body was covered with wood and the fire was lit.  Afterwards we drank and ate a meal and shared stories and I was grateful to be included in this small circle of loving people.  In the days since, her daughter has called me their death midwife, and it does seem fitting.  To be present with people in their pleasure and pain, their joy and their grief, in their most vulnerable moments, in life and in death is what I do.  To be with the dying, to be present to what is there, without trying to change a thing, is the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and others.  When we can embrace death in its entirety, we can in turn embrace our life more fully and perhaps a bit more bravely too.  I am deeply grateful for this experience, for all that she gave me and all that I was able to give.  I look forward to doing more of this work in the future.  To me, there is nothing more important in this life, but to embrace with open arms the shadow of death that hangs over us so that we can more fully learn how to live.